InterNational Association of 

Peer Supporters

Participant Workbook

https://rtp4ps.org/participant-workbook/

Spouse Abuse

https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1999/10/a-conversation-on-spouse-abuse?lang=eng

A Conversation on Spouse Abuse

Church leaders have consistently spoken out against spouse abuse. For example, in an October 1998 general conference address President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“We condemn most strongly abusive behavior in any form. We denounce the physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse of one’s spouse or children. …

“No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church” (“What Are People Asking about Us?” Ensign, Nov. 1998, 72).

The proclamation on the family also contains a forceful condemnation of abuse: “We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

Ensign staff members recently spoke with several Latter-day Saint professionals about this issue. John C. Nelson, M.D., an obstetrician-gynecologist, is on the board of the American Medical Association and is the spokesperson for the AMA Alliance SAVE (Stop America’s Violence Everywhere) program. He is a member of Salt Lake City’s Monument Park Second Ward, Monument Park North Stake. Anne L. Horton is an associate professor of social work at Brigham Young University and is a licensed clinical social worker whose practice focuses on domestic abuse. She is a member of the Ensign Third Ward, Salt Lake Ensign Stake. Brent H. Bartholomew is an attorney experienced in representing abused spouses and children. He is a member of the Lakeridge 12th Ward, Orem Utah Lakeridge North Stake.

Defining Spouse Abuse

Ensign: Some think spouse abuse includes only acts of a physical nature. Thus, how should the term be defined?

Anne Horton: Many experts define spouse abuse as the maltreatment of another in an attempt to control him or her. Spouse abuse may be physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual. This type of abuse behavior between parents sets the tone for the rest of the family. It has severe ramifications on children as well as spouses because it traumatizes the children and may lead them to imitate that behavior later on.

John Nelson: Spouse abuse involves inappropriate acts of one spouse over the other. It may involve coercive acts in which an abuser forces a person to do something that he or she normally would not do, with no particular concern for the victim. Abuse may also include the use of threats, name calling, yelling, and intimidation.

I believe that there are people, women particularly, who are abuse victims but wouldn’t describe themselves as such. They can’t go out of their homes, they have to be back at nine o’clock, they can’t go to lunch on Tuesday because they didn’t get permission from their husbands, and so on. It may not necessarily involve being beaten up, but it is still abuse and is outside the bounds the Lord has set for marriage.

Brent Bartholomew: Spouse abuse is behavior that is destructive to the body, mind, or spirit. In fact, long after any possible physical injuries heal, the emotional scars of abuse may still persist.

Ensign: What are some signs of spouse abuse that are not as obvious as bruises or other physical marks?

Anne Horton: There are usually many signs of abuse rather than a single isolated sign. One may be when an individual shows fear at times when this would not be expected. For instance, a person may be afraid to speak without the spouse’s permission. Abuse victims may be isolated a lot; they may not be allowed to take part in community activities, and the people they see and how their time is spent may be closely monitored by the spouse. Those are some indicators we worry about. However, we do not want people to see abuse where none exists.

Brent Bartholomew: It’s important that we don’t encourage witch hunts against others in any way because abuse is not a part of the vast majority of marriage relationships. But when abuse does occur, the problem needs to be addressed constructively.

John Nelson: One possible sign of spouse abuse is an abrupt change in behavior. For example, a person who is typically outgoing and happy suddenly becomes withdrawn. The combination of warning signs sometimes clarifies the picture.

Ensign: What are some reasons abuse occurs?

Brent Bartholomew: Abuse may be part of a learned behavior pattern. In some cases there may be a biochemical imbalance or medical problem that contributes to a person’s abusive behavior. In other cases the abuser may be involved with drugs or alcohol. There is no single reason why abuse occurs; many factors can contribute to abusive behavior, and abusers can come from a wide variety of backgrounds.

John Nelson: Ultimately the abuser is responsible for his or her behavior. It is not the alcohol, for example, that makespeople abusive. They are abusive first, and the alcohol may be a facilitator.

In some cases abusers misunderstand or misapply the concept of leadership in the home. I want to make it very clear that it’s not the concept of a presiding leader in the home that is wrong; it’s the misapplication of it. The 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants speaks of that specifically: “The rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, … but when we … exercise control or dominion or compulsion … in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves” (D&C 121:36–37).

Changing Abusive Behavior

Ensign: How likely is it that abusers will change?

Brent Bartholomew: If they genuinely want to change and if they seek appropriate help and put forth the required effort, they can be successful. No one should say, “Well, this is just the way I am.” It may take action by a Church disciplinary council because disciplinary councils are set up to help people repent and change. Through sincere, sustained effort on their part and by the Savior’s atoning power, they can receive a mighty change of heart, repent, and be forgiven.

Anne Horton: Change is possible, but it isn’t easy, and it doesn’t take place over just a few counseling sessions or progressive steps. It takes time and commitment.

Abusers need to know their behavior is a choice. Every time they hit someone, every time they slam a door in someone’s face, they’ve made a choice to do that and they need to take responsibility for their actions.

Of the many resources we have for dealing with the problem of abuse, the greatest resources are gospel teachings and our Church leaders, with their commitment to help us strengthen our families.

How Church Leaders Can Help

Ensign: What kind of help can abuse victims receive from Church leaders?

John Nelson: If things are going on that ought not to be, members have the right to go to their local ecclesiastical leaders for help. Bishops or branch presidents, who are encouraged to conduct a private interview with the injured spouse, have the right to receive revelation regarding the abusive situation. There are times when bishops may not know how to deal with the problem. In those cases bishops most likely would seek professional guidance, possibly from LDS Family Services. Instructions on dealing with abuse are found in The Church Handbook of Instructions, which is available to local leaders. There are many avenues. It is not incumbent upon bishops to be trained counselors to provide help.

Brent Bartholomew: I think most bishops realize their own limitations. They can give spiritual guidance and spiritual help, but additional assistance may be required. In some severe cases victims may need to be temporarily outside of the home, so they may need short-term housing and assistance in that respect. They may need counseling that is more intensive and more frequent than the bishop can provide. In severe cases where physical abuse is involved, they may need legal help to get a protective order. A bishop can let them know where to go for the type of help they need. People who are being victimized by abuse should not wait until the problem becomes dangerous before seeking assistance.

John Nelson: We need to understand that the Lord has called the bishop to be the steward over the members of his ward. I know the Lord can bless those leaders with the inspiration they need.

Anne Horton: The Church produces spiritually directed resources that bishops can share with people who may need them, for example, Preventing and Responding to Spouse Abuse(pamphlet, 1997). The bishop can put individuals in contact with therapists who have been identified as being responsible and trustworthy. If these individuals cannot afford to pay the entire cost of counseling, the bishop can help arrange for financial assistance.

John Nelson: If people are not comfortable going to their bishops at first, they may consider talking to their physician or some other health professional they know.

Becoming Informed

Ensign: Initially some victims may want to obtain information anonymously. Where can they go for this information?

Anne Horton: In addition to the Church pamphlet Preventing and Responding to Spouse Abuse, much useful information is available in bookstores and libraries, though people should be selective in choosing materials that are in harmony with Church policies and practices. Many towns have crisis centers for women and children where victims can call or walk in and speak with counselors who may provide them with literature or other resources. Victims don’t have to sign their names or be photographed; confidentiality is closely observed. Other resources are the local police department and the department of human services, both of which should be listed in the local telephone book. They can provide helpful telephone numbers to call. And usually the front section of the phone book will list community services that are offered. One may want to approach LDS Family Services for information and direction in areas where this is available, although this is generally done with a bishop’s referral.

Information is usually more readily accessible than most people think.

Ensign: When someone believes that a family member or friend is in an abusive situation, how can they appropriately help that person?

John Nelson: One of the most important things a person can do to help an abuse victim is to listen. When we offer counsel for problems we do not fully understand, we may only exacerbate the problem. But when we listen, the very fact that someone is acknowledging that what is going on is wrong may be the first step in the victim’s realizing that the abuse must be stopped. We need to listen carefully, we need to listen nonjudgmentally.

Brent Bartholomew: If you have strong evidence that someone you know is experiencing spouse abuse, you might say to the person, “It sounds like there might be a problem; may I help?” That’s a direct approach. You might offer to take your friend to see the bishop. It might not be so intimidating for your friend to talk with him about the problem if there is somebody supportive to help. If it’s someone you don’t know well, or if you feel it may be dangerous for you to get involved, you can say to your ecclesiastical leader, “Next door here’s what I’ve observed; they seem to need some help.” Staying silent only makes the problem worse. However, it is absolutely crucial that it be done in a confidential manner.

The Seriousness of Abuse

Ensign: Leaving the home may seem like a drastic step for someone deeply committed to a marriage. What would make this action necessary?

Anne Horton: Safety issues—especially when physical or sexual abuse is occurring—always come first in a crisis. After people are safe, other relationship issues can be addressed.

Brent Bartholomew: The marriage may still be workable, but sometimes there needs to be a separation so that the abuse can stop and the healing process can start. During this time, a couple may seek counseling to learn how to deal with problems effectively without resorting to abuse. But both parties must be committed to the change; otherwise, change is almost impossible.

In severe cases, counseling for both spouses may not be effective and may even increase the risk of further abuse. In such cases the most effective treatment may be court-ordered domestic violence counseling for the perpetrator.

John Nelson: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in Washington, D.C., recommends specifically what they call an exit or a safety plan for people in physical danger. The safety plan is, if you cannot prevent being physically attacked, have in mind a place to go that is available day or night, rain or shine. You need to think about the details. You’ve got to have money, car keys, identification, prescription medication, clothing for the children, soap, a person who can receive you day or night or a key to get in, and a way to get there. A crisis shelter may be your best option because most have police protection. That’s a last resort, but that’s the kind of information that might make it possible to diffuse the situation, at least for the short term.

Ensign: Is false reporting of abuse a valid issue?

Brent Bartholomew: False reporting may occur on occasion, but a report of abuse should always be taken seriously.

Anne Horton: Even if abuse hasn’t occurred, a problem of some kind exists when someone would make that accusation, and the problem needs to be addressed.

John Nelson: If people say they’re being abused, believe them.

Healing through the Gospel

Ensign: How can the gospel help those dealing with abuse?

Brent Bartholomew: The Savior’s Atonement encompasses all suffering, not only suffering for our sins but also suffering as a consequence of others’ sins. The pain of those who have been abused can be eliminated through the sanctifying power of the Atonement and the pure and perfect love of Christ. Sometimes this healing process occurs more slowly when a woman has difficulty developing a relationship with our Heavenly Father due to the inappropriate manner in which she has been treated by male figures in her life. But through divine help, she can eventually be healed from the consequences of her spouse’s sins of abuse.

Now, I’ve used the term woman here because abused women are most at risk for serious injury or death. But men can also be abused by their wives. Such abuse is serious and can have lasting, damaging consequences.

Ensign: How can marriage partners exercise the forgiveness the gospel requires and yet avoid falling into the repeating cycle of abuse?

Anne Horton: Just as repentance is a process, so is forgiveness. Unfortunately many people think that forgiving equals forgetting and, therefore, are afraid forgiveness makes them vulnerable. But while the Lord commands us to forgive, He doesn’t tell us to forget any lessons we have learned or demand that we trust an abuser. We can forgive someone without putting ourselves in the position to be victimized again. Love can be achieved and so can forgiveness, but we still must protect ourselves.

Brent Bartholomew: It is very important to learn to forgive, but an abused spouse shouldn’t feel she has to return to a relationship with someone who is unwilling to repent of destructive behavior. When victims who have removed themselves from abusive situations forgive their abusers, it may not mean much to the abusers themselves. But it can mean a great deal to the people who have been abused. In some cases, the anger they feel is more destructive than the abuse they suffer. People need to overcome that anger and feel the Savior’s atoning sacrifice and power in their lives. It can be a difficult process, but it allows spouses who have experienced abuse in the past to move forward.

John Nelson: We need to make it very clear that victims do not need to ask for forgiveness for something they haven’t done. No one deserves to be a victim of abuse.

Preventing the Problem

Ensign: What can be done to prevent abuse?

Brent Bartholomew: In a general sense, youth as well as adults need to be taught correct principles on which to base their relationships with others, and they need positive role models to emulate. Caring priesthood and auxiliary leaders can help in this process.

If a couple is worthily married in the temple after becoming best friends over time, that greatly increases their chances for a marriage that is free from abuse.

It is important to learn to effectively communicate and problem-solve with your spouse because most abusers do not know how to solve problems. It is never acceptable to hit, belittle, or otherwise try to control a spouse in an attempt to solve a problem.

John Nelson: When two people are dating, they should watch carefully how the potential marriage partner reacts to children, other family members, pets, frustrations, and so forth. These actions often reflect the way a person will treat the spouse or other family members.

Brent Bartholomew: Here is another clue: a potential marriage partner who suggests that standards of personal worthiness be set aside in the name of love should be shunned. Abuse is a selfish act. People who invite someone they profess to love to participate in spiritually destructive behavior are acting out of selfishness, not love. Furthermore, those who currently have problems stemming from substance abuse, sexual immorality, pornography, or rage are much more likely to become abusive because they lack self-control.

John Nelson: I think we all ought to celebrate the good marriages we see. I know that not every aspect of these relationships is perfect, but we can learn a great deal from many around us who have successfully made gospel teachings a foundation for their marriages.

Photography by Welden C. Andersen

Experts on spouse abuse: John C. Nelson, Brent H. Bartholomew, Anne L. Horton

Anne L. Horton; John C. Nelson

Brent H. Bartholomew

Success

Listening to a webinar on Ethics for a Certified Peer Support Specialist today.

It was said that we cannot be their friend, but we can be friendly.

Some of the following are ways we can be friendly or helpful in supporting others we come in contact with:

Support choice
Share hope
Withhold judgement
Listen with emotional sensitivity
Be curious and embrace diversity
Educate and advocate
Address issues with caring and compassion
Encourage to give and receive
Embody equality
Focus on strengths not weaknesses
Set clear expectations
Focus on the person not the problems

 https://www.peerleadershipcenter.org/Document.asp?DocID=6619

Record Keeping

Recently I started pulling some rubbermaid bins from the basement to my upstairs office to start going through them.  First I am going to organize them into the members of my family.  Each bin being for a specific person, child #1, child #2, and so on.  So I got underway doing that.  I think I have about 17 large bins full of certificates, pictures, awards, vital records, and so on, and on, and on.  It was so fun looking at my babies, things they had written, and watching them grow up again through their pictures and things.  I found pictures of ancestors for whom I have done LDS Temple work for.  I never even knew I had these photos.  My family gives me a lot of things.  It's all a bit overwhelming when I look at all those bins, but as I dig in it sure feels good to get them organized.  After they are better organized, I plan to take all those yearly pictures and put them into sleeves instead of frames.  I've always kept my pictures in frames, but it sure makes those bins heavy and takes up so much more room.  While doing this I have come across some old notes, letters, and journals of mine.  I'm 46 and for the most part have kept a journal since I was 14 years old.  It is not only fun to take that walk down memory lane and feel those things again, but to see my ups and downs was amazing to me.  We forget so much of the things we do, the inspiration and revelations we receive, and the progress we make.  I try to keep a few journals.  One is on my phone.  When I am out and about or in the middle of the night, I send messages to myself as things happen or thoughts come to my head.  I keep a mental health journal, which I really only write in when I'm struggling and lost in depression or anxiety.  I keep my daily journal of my life, and my work in the gospel on my computer.  I also keep a study journal.  As I study the scriptures, good book, music, and so on I write things that stand out to me that day in my studies in that journal.  Yes, I could just keep one journal, but this is how I prefer to organize my life.  I have made so much progress in the past 3 1/2 years, and someday, or on occasion I can pull it up and read and see how far I've come.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not making progress in my life, but reading back through these records really boosts my spirits and helps me to feel God's love and guidance in my life.        

Anxiety and Anxiety Disorders

By Lyle J. Burrup

LDS Family Services

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It’s normal to feel anxious, but anxiety disorders can interfere with a person’s life. The better we understand these disorders, the better we can help each other.

Photo illustration from Getty Images

Imagine that a member of the bishopric telephones two ward members to ask them to say the opening and closing prayers in sacrament meeting. Both members feel nervous. One has butterflies in their stomach about saying the prayer but thinks through what to say and goes through with it. The other has an overwhelming sense of dread accompanied by an elevated heart rate and hyperventilation and does not go to church that Sunday. One feels relief at being able to do something difficult. The other has other similar panic episodes over the next few months out of fear of being called on to pray and avoids going to church for quite a while.

This contrast highlights the fundamental difference between most people’s experience of anxiety and the experiences of people with anxiety disorders.

Different Experiences

Anxiety is a normal human emotion. Everyone experiences it. It is part of the “opposition in all things,” without which there would be no “happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility” (2 Nephi 2:11).1 As such, this emotion serves us well. It is part of our emotional alarm system. It motivates us to prepare for important events. It causes us to protect ourselves when we feel threatened. It enhances performance. It helps us make thoughtful decisions, solve problems, and prepare for challenges. It reveals what we care about.

On the other hand, there are also anxiety disorders. These interfere with our alarm system and its many benefits and are characterized by persistent, overwhelming, uncontrollable anxiety that impedes normal functioning. They include social anxiety; phobias; panic attacks; repetitive, intrusive, objectionable thoughts, impulses, and images; and are often accompanied by a host of physical symptoms and extreme avoidance behavior.

Many among us suffer from such disorders. Therefore, it’s important that we understand these disorders so that we can offer appropriate support and help.

How Anxiety Disorders Develop

In addition to extreme avoidance of anxiety-filled situations, several human traits come together in a “perfect storm” to create debilitating anxiety: biological vulnerability to anxiety, coupled with stress; worry; distorted perception and thinking; perfectionism; excessive niceness; and unresolved regrets.

Biological Vulnerability to Anxiety, Coupled with Excessive Stress

We inherit from our parents our physical and emotional makeup, including vulnerability to certain illnesses. Just as some families are vulnerable to high blood pressure or diabetes, some are also vulnerable to certain emotional disorders.

Vulnerability by itself will not cause an anxiety disorder. However, when it is coupled with long-term, unresolved stress, a person may develop such a disorder. Understanding this can help us know, for instance, that some people may need to take medication to manage body chemistry when they have high levels of constant anxiety.

Excessive Worry

Worry comes when we feel we are highly vulnerable to some threat and also feel we have little power to do anything about it. Like anxiety, worry can be very helpful. However, when it is excessive, persistent, and unchecked over a long period of time, it can evolve into an anxiety disorder.

Distorted Perception and Thinking

People who suffer from anxiety disorders have distorted perceptions and thoughts. Perception begins with what we experience through our five senses and then includes the meaning we give to our experience. This filtered perception accumulates over time. However, it is often false when not guided by the truth.

Anxiety disorders distort thinking. For instance, fear that a dog might bite you could be very rational in a given situation. However, thinking that you should not go outside because a dog might attack you is irrational.

A theory that counselors use to teach people how to change distorted perception and thinking states that our emotions are the result of events and experiences filtered through how we perceive and think. The simple formula of this theory is A+B=C: The key to our emotions (C) is perception (B) of an event (A) rather than the event itself. We know this because two people can experience the same thing but feel very differently about it.

Graphic from Getty Images

If you can replace irrational thoughts and beliefs with more rational, comforting ones, your anxiety will drop and become more normal.

Excessive Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be functional and helpful when used as a tool to improve and grow. However, two common irrational beliefs that create anxiety are “People will look down on me if I make a mistake” and “I’m less worthwhile when I fail.” These beliefs limit our use of mistakes to teach us (see Ether 12:27; D&C 1:25, 27) and ignore the fact that we have great worth as sons and daughters of God (see D&C 18:10).

Unhealthy perfectionism causes people to hold themselves to standards they don’t hold others to. It causes procrastination. It takes the joy out of trying new things. For example, if people’s friends invite them to go bowling, they may fear what their friends will think if they bowl poorly. Of course, they themselves would not look down on friends who bowl poorly, but they do not see how irrational their thinking has become.

The Lord commanded us to be perfect (see Matthew 5:48), but He also said that if we draw close to Him, He will show us our weakness (see Ether 12:27). There appears to be a conflict between these two concepts unless you understand that perfection (completeness, wholeness) is an eternal condition that comes through the Savior’s Atonement “on conditions of repentance” (Alma 42:13). We don’t make ourselves perfect; Jesus Christ does. We just do our best and keep repenting when we fall short, relying on His grace to make weak things strong.

If we don’t resolve the distorted thinking common to perfectionism, we become the slaves rather than the masters of our high standards, and we become vulnerable to extreme anxiety.

Read More

For more on perfectionism, read President Russell M. Nelson, “Perfection Pending,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 86; Elder Cecil O. Samuelson, “Perfectionism,” New Era, Jan. 2006, 10; and Elder Gerrit W. Gong, “Becoming Perfect in Christ,” Ensign, July 2014, 14.

Excessive Niceness

Another positive trait that can nevertheless leave us vulnerable to anxiety is niceness. The Savior said, “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matthew 5:9), and the world could surely use more of them. However, almost everyone with an anxiety disorder is excessively nice. They feel guilty and feel like failures when they’re unable to create peace and tranquility in everyone’s life, solve everyone’s problems, or make everyone happy. It’s an unreasonable and unhealthy standard to hold ourselves to.

A Specific Unresolved Regret or Guilt

Everybody has regrets. We’ve all failed or let someone down. People with anxiety disorders, however, hold on to intense regret and guilt. These feelings, coupled with excessive niceness, cause them to avoid situations where they might repeat the “offending” behavior so as to not upset or disappoint anyone ever again. This is often the root of their anxiety. Bringing the problem to conscious awareness, dealing with it directly, and taking action to resolve it and let it go usually bring rapid recovery.

Anxiety Disorders and the Spirit

The Holy Ghost is the Spirit of Truth and the Spirit of Peace. The Spirit works quietly (see 1 Nephi 17:45). Anxiety is loud and obnoxious, so to speak, making it difficult to feel the Spirit and depend on your faith. Faith is trust in God.2 The opposite of faith is uncertainty and mistrust. Is it any wonder that anxiety disorders often undermine faith?

One manifestation of the Spirit of Truth is that we are able to think clearly and rationally. Jacob says: “The Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be” (Jacob 4:13). As we listen to the Spirit, we will know the truth, and the truth will make us free (see John 8:32). In doing so, we can avoid the common error of “looking beyond the mark” (Jacob 4:14). One way we look beyond the mark is to set expectations for ourselves beyond what the Lord has set, tormenting ourselves unnecessarily. By listening to the Spirit of Truth, we can accept the reality of things that we may believe are unacceptable, such as imperfection and weakness.

Faith in the Savior’s Atonement and Resurrection, combined with hope and charity, should anchor our lives (see Moroni 7:40–48).

Let Us Be One

Anxiety disorders may be a lifelong struggle for some, but with training in how to change distorted perceptions, thoughts, and feelings, they can become manageable. We can all benefit from understanding anxiety better. If family members, friends, or ward members are struggling, we can offer them support and empathy. Alma taught that we need to be “willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; … willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:8–11). At the end of His mortal ministry, the Savior’s heartfelt prayer was that we be one as He and the Father are one (see John 17:9–10, 20–23; see also 3 Nephi 19:20–23, 27–29). One of the ways we can do this is to support and comfort those in anguish.

If you are struggling, you can find comfort through the gospel of Jesus Christ, assisted by professional counseling if needed. And in His Church you can find support and acceptance as we all strive together to become one and strengthen one another.

Normal Anxiety vs. Anxiety Disorders

NORMAL ANXIETY	ANXIETY DISORDER
Mild	Intense
Brief; easily resolved	Lasts several months; very difficult to resolve
Related to a specific event	Extends beyond a specific event
Caused by rational fear or worry	Irrational; distorts the truth; causes false perceptions
Motivates to action; facilitates choice and growth	Causes feeling of loss of control; limits functioning and action; causes avoidance, indecisiveness; hinders making choices; limits growth
Person has low biological vulnerability to anxiety; manages stress, worry, “niceness,” perception, perfectionism in positive ways; has no unresolved internal conflict or regret	Person has high biological vulnerability to anxiety; challenged by stress, worry, “niceness,” perception, perfectionism; may have unresolved internal conflict and regret
No physical, behavioral, social, mental, or spiritual symptoms	Symptoms include fatigue; headaches; muscle tension; nausea; loss of appetite; panic attacks; avoiding people, situations, places; difficulty concentrating, reading, learning; difficulty feeling the Spirit and having faith

How to Help People with Anxiety

Often people with anxiety are afraid of what others will think of them. They don’t want people to see them have a panic attack or other manifestation of their problem. They try to hide it. They may avoid social gatherings or skip church. Here’s how you can help them.

• • 
  Help them understand that we’re all alike. People who struggle with an anxiety disorder are normal human beings responding in a predictable way to a certain set of beliefs, thoughts, and fears.
• • 
  Try not to be judgmental. Anxiety is not a weakness in the person. Experiencing normal anxiety shows we care. A positive way of looking at people who struggle with anxiety is this: they just care too much.
• • 
  Empathize with them. Be genuine. Listen in order to understand their feelings, appreciate why they struggle, and communicate what you understand. Empathy is the most effective quality of counseling.
• • 
  Don’t tell them not to worry. Telling them “Don’t worry” isn’t going to give them any relief. It also shows that you don’t understand how change occurs or that you’re minimizing the problem. Help them identify what they can realistically do about what worries them.
• • 
  Don’t tell them they’re being irrational. Telling them they’re being irrational won’t help them feel better or be rational. They’ve got to learn how to recognize this for themselves. If you tell them they’re being irrational, they may stop confiding in you, thinking, “I can’t talk to you. You think I’m an idiot.”
• • 
  Give them support. Encourage them to get help. Through their bishop, they can find a good counselor. In a crisis or on a difficult day, offer to help with a difficult demand or task, such as teaching a lesson, fixing a meal, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, tending children, and so on.

Advice for People Who Suffer from Anxiety Disorders

Seek out help

• • 
  If you feel you may have an anxiety disorder, find a good counselor with the help of your bishop. Learn how to work with traits that drive your anxiety.

Calm your body

• • 
  In moments of low anxiety, practice breathing and relaxation exercises so that when anxiety is high, you can calm yourself a little bit.
• • 
  Exercise, especially when highly anxious.
• • 
  Eat a healthy diet.

Calm your mind

• • 
  Practice meditation when you are not anxious.
• • 
  Develop and practice positive, rational self-talk. Find specific things to say to yourself that help you calm down (scriptures, quotes, pictures).
• • 
  Learn to challenge negative thinking—“Is what I believe about myself also true of other people?”

Calm your emotions

• • 
  Do not try to control anxiety. That will cause it to increase. Rather, control what you do when you experience anxiety.
• • 
  Instead of avoiding situations that trigger anxiety, engage them. Learn to face it. Invite anxiety to stay rather than fighting it. When you do, you become the master of it. It may even leave.
• • 
  Listen to hymns, Tabernacle Choir recordings, and other uplifting music.

Calm your sense of identity and worth

• • 
  Focus on your identity and worth as a child of God. Accept that your worth is constant rather than measured by performance or what people think of you.
• • 
  Read, ponder, have faith in, and take comfort from your patriarchal blessing.
• • 
  Develop and write out a positive, accurate script about yourself—using scriptures, hymns, quotes, or your patriarchal blessing—which you can repeat back to yourself when you feel anxious or worried.
• • 
  Accept that you will make mistakes and that they do not define you. We all make mistakes. Remember: a key to a peaceful life is learning from mistakes. When you make a mistake, ask, “What good things can I learn from this?”

Get medication if necessary

• • 
  Medication may be necessary to get high anxiety under control if it goes unchecked for too long, though it should supplement and not replace counseling, self-talk, and relaxation techniques.

Show References 

Notes

1.   1. 
   Sensibility is “the capacity of feeling or perceiving” (Noah Webster, An American Dictionary of the English Language [1828], “sensibility”). If it weren’t for the Fall, we would have no joy, for we would know no misery (see 2 Nephi 2:22–23).
2.   2. 
   See Bible Dictionary, “Faith.”

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2017/03/anxiety-and-anxiety-disorders?lang=eng