Record Keeping

Recently I started pulling some rubbermaid bins from the basement to my upstairs office to start going through them.  First I am going to organize them into the members of my family.  Each bin being for a specific person, child #1, child #2, and so on.  So I got underway doing that.  I think I have about 17 large bins full of certificates, pictures, awards, vital records, and so on, and on, and on.  It was so fun looking at my babies, things they had written, and watching them grow up again through their pictures and things.  I found pictures of ancestors for whom I have done LDS Temple work for.  I never even knew I had these photos.  My family gives me a lot of things.  It's all a bit overwhelming when I look at all those bins, but as I dig in it sure feels good to get them organized.  After they are better organized, I plan to take all those yearly pictures and put them into sleeves instead of frames.  I've always kept my pictures in frames, but it sure makes those bins heavy and takes up so much more room.  While doing this I have come across some old notes, letters, and journals of mine.  I'm 46 and for the most part have kept a journal since I was 14 years old.  It is not only fun to take that walk down memory lane and feel those things again, but to see my ups and downs was amazing to me.  We forget so much of the things we do, the inspiration and revelations we receive, and the progress we make.  I try to keep a few journals.  One is on my phone.  When I am out and about or in the middle of the night, I send messages to myself as things happen or thoughts come to my head.  I keep a mental health journal, which I really only write in when I'm struggling and lost in depression or anxiety.  I keep my daily journal of my life, and my work in the gospel on my computer.  I also keep a study journal.  As I study the scriptures, good book, music, and so on I write things that stand out to me that day in my studies in that journal.  Yes, I could just keep one journal, but this is how I prefer to organize my life.  I have made so much progress in the past 3 1/2 years, and someday, or on occasion I can pull it up and read and see how far I've come.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not making progress in my life, but reading back through these records really boosts my spirits and helps me to feel God's love and guidance in my life.        

Peace And Understanding

So recently that quote from David A. Bednar has been going through my mind.  Also this morning these two songs came to my mind.  I received a package from my sister Tamra full of pictures, death certificates, marriage certificates, and so on.  I opened it up and started to go through it and there was a picture of a baby sitting next to my cousin David, the one who molested me.  It was his sister.  The only picture I know of that exists of her.  She died at about 6 weeks old.  This was in 1964 when people didn’t take pictures like we do today.  It just wasn’t done.  I began crying and am crying still this morning.  I started to put pictures on Family Search on all my family that I now had pictures of who didn’t have a face to go with a name.  That felt awesome!  As I looked through the pictures I experienced many emotions.  Anger at how each generation screwed up their children so badly for several generations back.  Then sadness, understanding, and love.  I asked each of them, How could you do this?  I also asked What happened to you?  Why did you do what you did?  As I went back generation by generation I saw what happened.  I know their stories and their depression, and Trauma’s and horrific lives they were all forced to live.  I know who started it all, and I will be the one to end it all.  It stops here.  I will fight for and protect, and love my children like none of my ancestors ever did.  Then I think, they didn’t have the medication, or counselor, or gospel that I have.  They were spoiled brats, prostitutes, they smoked, drank, and had many men, or women in their lives.  They were selfish, depressed, and lonely people.  They had no one who truly loved or appreciated them.  I looked at those baby pictures, and the ones of all my ancestors as they were growing up, even David’s.  I had such compassion for them.  Such love and appreciation for them.  All that anger was swept away.  I have been given understanding, and am able to more fully forgive them.  I look forward to the day when I can embrace them in my arms and tell them I love them, and that I am so sorry for what they went through.  They all have the gospel now, all except David, and his day is coming very soon.  I feel a peace and love, an appreciation and understanding for so many things in my life, and theirs.  I may not be the one who started this awful mess that my family got themselves into, and allowed to keep rolling on from one generation to the next, but I can be the one to stop the insanity.  I am so grateful to God for bringing these songs, and quotes to my head to help me better flush it all out.  I am grateful for my trials and blessings.  One day I will see God.  One day I will hold him in my arms and cry and thank him for his love and support.  He truly never leaves me.   

“I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of his tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them….The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ….Faithfulness, obedience and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord’s timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings….I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us….Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days.”  David A. Bednar

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
Bright (bright), bright (bright)
Bright sunshiny day
It's going to be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

1.                     1. Guide us, O thou great Jehovah,

Guide us to the promised land.

We are weak, but thou art able;

Hold us with thy pow'rful hand.

Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit,

Feed us till the Savior comes,

Feed us till the Savior comes.

2.                     2. Open, Jesus, Zion's fountains;

Let her richest blessings come.

Let the fiery, cloudy pillar

Guard us to this holy home.

Great Redeemer, Great Redeemer,

Bring, oh, bring the welcome day,

Bring, oh, bring the welcome day!

3.                     3. When the earth begins to tremble,

Bid our fearful thoughts be still;

When thy judgments spread destruction,

Keep us safe on Zion's hill,

Singing praises, Singing praises,

Songs of glory unto thee,

Songs of glory unto thee.

         

The Way Life Is

1.  Everyone has the ability to learn and grow.
Being diagnosed with a mental illness/substance use disorder does not take away the ability to learn and grow;  people can recover and move on with their lives.

2.  People's beliefs determine their behavior.
What a person believes about herself, because she is diagnosed with a mental illness or substance use disorder, is the most important determinant of her success in creating the life he or she wants.

3.  People think their way through life.
Being diagnosed with a mental illness/substance use disorder does not take away the ability to think strategically and creatively.

4.  Whatever people focus on, they give power to.
While symptoms and "disability" bring people in for services, the focus needs to shift to wellness and strengths as soon as possible.

5.  Life's experiences are the best teacher.
Your recovery experience is your greatest gift to your peers.

Recovery is the process of gaining control over one's life - and the direction one wants that life to go - on the other side of a psychiatric or substance use disorder diagnosis and all of the losses usually associated with that diagnosis.

Hope is the belief that one has both the ability and the opportunity to engage in the recovery process.

USU Peer Specialist Certification Training Program

Public School

After dropping my children off at school today and driving away something came to my mind.

I had a hard time putting my oldest in public school and preferred to home school him.  So for much of his early school years that's what I did.  He would have preferred public school, but I refused.  My bad!  With my 2nd child I home schooled him for preschool and part of kindergarten until he decided he was ready to go to public school.  With my youngest child I did her preschool, but she started kindergarten on schedule with the public school system.    

So here is what came to my mind.  I couldn't stand to put my children in school because I felt like they were being taken from me when I wasn't ready to give them up.  I would drive by the school and either not be able to look at it or have really bad thoughts about my children being there.  Maybe thoughts of jealousy or anger toward the school or staff.  I'm not quite sure on that yet.

As a child of sexual abuse something was taken from me against my will.  I didn't want to give up my children against my will.  I've had to anyways as their will and desire was to go to public school.  I'm ok with it now, although I would still prefer to home school my children.

I think it's a protection thing.  I feel if they are home and in my care I can protect them from the world, harm, and danger.  My children need to have good and bad experiences so they can grow and develop and make decisions.  I can't put them in a bubble and never let them have life.  That's not healthy.

So grateful to the Lord for helping me to see these things and for helping me to understand why I am the way I am.

      

Flushing Out Emotions

I have been more emotional over the past almost two years than I have ever been my entire life.  I used to express my emotions by just being angry.  Sometimes I would just be quiet.  Since being in counseling and talking about and working through my depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other stresses in my life I think I have experience or am experiencing all the emotions that I held in for the 44 years prior to counseling.

As I have thought on this in the past couple of days and wondering why I can't control myself as well as I used to I think I have a reason.  The doors were closed all that time, the flood gates just held back all that stuff.  I feel as if the double doors have been opened wide or the flood gates opened to full capacity.

I am finally being let out of the "room" I've been in all my life that there was no way out of.  Maybe you could say the lake was full to overflowing and the dam flood gates were finally opened to let out some of the water or pressure that was behind them.

It's me running out of that room.  I'm the water flushing through those flood gates after being held back for so long.

It's ok for me to go through all these emotions.  It's ok for me to let them all out.  For the first time in my life I am able to feel and express my inner self.

I feel free to run.  I am finding out who I am and who I want to be.

 

Headache

Had a headache come on that went from my shoulder, up my neck and into my head.  Could have been partly due to the change in barometric pressure as the storm rolled in.  Could have been underlying stress.  I always do a few checks.

Have I had enough liquid and food?    
Am I tired?
Is this something that a light pain reliever will take away?
Can I massage or ice my neck to help relieve the pain?

When all the above is done or fails to help I have a few options.

I can get a chiropractic adjustment.
I can go for a ride in my truck to see the beautiful countryside.
I can do controlled breathing.
I can find a peaceful place and talk with God.
I can take off my shoes and walk through the cool, soft grass.
I can take a hot bath.
I can lay down and relax.

There are so many other things I can choose to do to help to calm my mind and take some of the pain down.  Yesterday I did all of the above except get an adjustment.  I was able to get rid of the pain, although it took a few hours.

  

Assisting Others

How am I assisting others: 

I belong to a Facebook group from the Haven Retreat.  We support each other there, and it is a safe place to give and get help, advise, and direction from those who have been through similar trauma. 

As a member of my churches women’s group, I am able to support and help other women through information on how to get help, find resources for reading & therapy, and help them to feel they are not alone by listening to their stories, and sharing my story.  

Those in my life who I am aware of that have been through traumatic experiences or who are going through particularly hard times, I support by taking them meals, being a listening ear, tending their children so they can have time to themselves, encourage them to eat healthy by sharing what I’ve studied and learned about food, validate their need to get plenty of rest, & invite them to do yoga with me.  I try to compliment and uplift the people in my life as they confide in me, and always share with them how much the classes I take, and the counseling I have received has helped me.

I recently started a blog about me and my journey in hopes that someone out there will have hope that they may be made whole, new, and have the life and freedom they have always desired. 

Remaining In Recovery

How am I remaining in recovery:

I attend counseling at L.D.S. Family Services. ( January 2015 to present ).  I was being seen every week for the first year, this year is down to every other week.  I feel like soon I will be able to push it out to every three or four weeks.  As needed I also counsel with my church clergy. 

I continue to attend classes and group therapy sessions with The Family Place, as often as possible.

Recently I had the privilege of attending The Haven Retreat for four days, put on by The Younique Foundation ( Theyouniquefoundation.org ) in Springville, Utah.  A retreat for women who have had sexual trauma/abuse at age 18 or younger.   

I have read, and continue to find books to read on Mental Health.  I’ve read books by Russ Siegenberg, Dennis and Joyce Ashton, and also the Younique Foundation book, Reclaim Hope. 

Mowing the lawn and swimming with my children are my favorite ways to exercise and release stress, but a new practice of mine is yoga and walking.  

A few other things recently learned, or mastered are some breathing, grounding, and drumming techniques that I am trying to implement into my daily routine.

Daily I take vitamin D3 2000 IU (for depression), and an herbal supplement called ElectroMed (for anxiety & depression).  The ElectroMed helps with improved mood, memory, sleep, alertness, and reduction of stress. 

When I need to do something to help me get through my depression or anxiety, I will often bake treats or meals to share with others.  This always seems to help with stress reduction, and gives me a feeling of happiness and satisfaction. 

Music has been helpful in my therapy.  I love to listen to the Old Country Classics, Christian music, and I work at playing the piano.

I keep detailed daily journals of my activities.  I keep a journal on my phone so when I am out and about I can record feelings, impressions, or thoughts.  I have a journal on my home computer, I also have a study journal for my religious studies that I write in.  As I read back I see progress being made, and it helps to give me strength to keep going.   

Every other week I receive acupuncture, and every week a chiropractic adjustment.  This helps with my physical health and emotions.   

Over the last few years I have become interested in photography.  I love to take pictures of barns, flowers, weeds, plants, people, and just about any subject that will be still long enough for me to click the camera.  Often times I’ll go for a drive in my truck to find a place where I can be quiet, feel peace, breathe, and find something still to capture its photo. 

When necessary I go to my “safe place”.  I have a few of them to choose from, so depending on the reason I need to go there, I have choices.  Some are real places such as the mountains, beach, or the LDS temple.  Some like the porch swing at the cabin are only in my mind. 

I also accept assignments at church when asked with a positive attitude and willing heart whether it be teaching a class of children, or women, or speaking in front of the congregation.  Teaching and speaking in front of others is extremely hard for me, but it takes me out of my comfort zone, helps me to become more comfortable with myself, and in some weird way, is healing to me.    

Recently I was given a Zen Garden as a gift.  I love it, and am learning to use it.   I am currently learning how to use essential oils, and am in the processes of putting together a Vision Board.  I have started to further my education by working on some foreign languages (German and Spanish) or new languages (American Sign Language) that I have a bit of knowledge in, but would like to become fluent in.  I am learning and starting to use meditation as a way to have mental discipline.

History Of My Recovery Journey

History of my recovery journey: 

When I was 13 years old I told my mother of my sexual abuse.  I started counseling, and have been in and out of counseling until I was 43 years old.  I never felt comfortable with the counselors, the counsel they gave, or with myself. 

In 1992 my Father, Mother, and Brother were burned in a propane explosion at their home.  This set me back and ignited my fears.  It pushed me on a downward spiral in and out of depression, anxiety, and the PTSD that comes from such a horrific accident, and the sexual trauma received as a child.

I have forgiven my abuser several years ago, and before his death earlier this year (2016) was able to communicate with him, at times in person or via the telephone. 

At 43 years old (January 2015) I started counseling at LDS Family Services.  I have done EMDR & talk therapy.  I feel very comfortable with my counselor and have been able to open up, and work through my traumas.  My counselor set me up with The Family Place where I am able to receive group therapy and a variety of classes.  One class I took from The Family Place was a Sand Tray Therapy class.

About 16 months prior to starting therapy, I had started to improve myself.  It was something a friend said to me that got me moving.  Since then I’ve made positive changes in my life in the areas of spirituality by having a daily scripture study routine, emotionally by doing things that interest me and that are good for me, physically by learning how to eat better and healthier, by walking, doing yoga, and mental well-being by attending classes, one on one therapy, group therapy, and a retreat.