After dropping my children off at school today and driving away something came to my mind.
I had a hard time putting my oldest in public school and preferred to home school him. So for much of his early school years that's what I did. He would have preferred public school, but I refused. My bad! With my 2nd child I home schooled him for preschool and part of kindergarten until he decided he was ready to go to public school. With my youngest child I did her preschool, but she started kindergarten on schedule with the public school system.
So here is what came to my mind. I couldn't stand to put my children in school because I felt like they were being taken from me when I wasn't ready to give them up. I would drive by the school and either not be able to look at it or have really bad thoughts about my children being there. Maybe thoughts of jealousy or anger toward the school or staff. I'm not quite sure on that yet.
As a child of sexual abuse something was taken from me against my will. I didn't want to give up my children against my will. I've had to anyways as their will and desire was to go to public school. I'm ok with it now, although I would still prefer to home school my children.
I think it's a protection thing. I feel if they are home and in my care I can protect them from the world, harm, and danger. My children need to have good and bad experiences so they can grow and develop and make decisions. I can't put them in a bubble and never let them have life. That's not healthy.
So grateful to the Lord for helping me to see these things and for helping me to understand why I am the way I am.